The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
