My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
