sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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