Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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