Tell her she can't have a vagina
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
