Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
