Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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