If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Randomize
