does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
