You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you didnt know i had herpes?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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