Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
