I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
