ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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