RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
