i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
