Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
