we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
