i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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