ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
