babies were throwing up all over the place
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
