At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
