I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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