you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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