it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
