So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
