so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
