I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just found puke in my bra..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
