I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
