Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
