I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Let's get the cat blown out
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
