Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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