So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
