I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
