Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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