the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
