I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
