Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
