Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
