I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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