hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
