I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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