phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
