My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
