yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
