The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
