I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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