I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
