last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
