I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
