She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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